How to cultivate self-compassion: practical steps for emotional well-being

Dr. Kristin Neff, in her book, Fierce Self-Compassion, proposes the following scenario,

“Imagine you get into a car accident on the way to work because you spilled your coffee and were distracted. A typical inner conversation may be, ‘You’re such a stupid idiot. Now look at what you’ve done.’ Would you ever talk this way to someone you cared about? Probably not, but we often treat ourselves this way and think it’s a good thing.”

Self-compassion takes our individual experiences and imperfections and puts them in the context of simply being human. It is the practice of being kinder to ourselves, forgiving ourselves for our imperfections, inadequacies and mistakes and letting go of comparison. It is learning to talk to, and treat ourselves, in the same way we treat our friends and the people we love. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

The first step towards self-compassion is self-awareness. Gaining awareness of our inner world requires that we notice our inner storytellers and the extent to which they influence our thoughts, behaviour, and how we move through the world. We all have inner storytellers. They help us make sense of the world around us. Sometimes the inner storyteller champions us to try new things and stretch outside of our comfort zone but more often, the inner storyteller is unkind, motivating us through anxiety, stress, fear, and judgment. I call these inner critics. 

My inner critic loves to take up hours of my time replaying conversations or situations over and over in my mind. “If only I’d said X.” “I can’t believe I said that he must think I’m stupid and don’t know how to run a business.” This nearly always results in an anxiety spiral and feeling like a concrete block is sitting on my chest. Then another inner critic jumps on the original inner critic and gets frustrated and angry for feeling that way. Before I know it, it’s 2am and I’m still wide awake. 

Gaining awareness of your inner world allows you to really see and understand yourself. It is through this self-awareness that you are empowered to move towards self-compassion, meeting your inner judgment and self-criticism with empathy and love. 

Self-compassion is the voice that provides context, reassurance, warmth, and kindness. The voice that feels like a verbal hug because it is actively trying to soothe and alleviate the negative emotions and steer you towards feeling as good as possible about yourself. 
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In our success-oriented world, the second step to self-compassion is accepting that it is okay if things don’t go to plan or, heaven forbid, it is okay for us to be average sometimes. It is accepting that we don’t need to know or do it all in order to be loved and accepted. Many of us spend our lives trying to be the best at everything and keeping up with the Joneses. Constantly defining ourselves through other people’s achievements is chasing fool's gold. There is always someone who is prettier than you, fitter than you, richer than you or doing it better than you. That is life. 

Having the ability to pause in these moments of despair and self-judgment, to take a deep breath, activating the parasympathetic nervous system and bringing the prefrontal cortex back online, and to realise that this is exactly how life is supposed to be, allows you to practice self-compassion. 

Practicing self-compassion is not self-care, in the bubble bath and candles sense, nor is it simply being kind. Paul Gilbert, a clinical psychologist and the founder of the Compassionate Mind Foundation, says compassion is best understood as turning towards suffering, whether it is in yourself or others, and taking action to alleviate it. He believes that instead of finding fleeting ways to feel better, self-compassion is a readiness to engage with pain at its source. 

“It’s the ability, when suffering, to stand back and say: ‘What is this about, why do I feel this? What would be the most helpful thing for me now?’” 

This is my third step towards self-compassion: the ability to stand in the place we don’t like to be. For most of us, if we could get rid of pain and discomfort we would, and we regularly do so through drinking alcohol, gambling, binge watching TV, social media and eating food we don’t want.

Self-compassion says, “pain is occurring, let me turn towards that.” It involves you actively choosing to turn towards the source of your pain, and often your trauma, and face it in order to give yourself the care and support you need. In doing so, you free yourself from your inner critics.

When we truly open ourselves up to our pain, to the feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, hatred, and despair, we allow that energy to pass through us, to create new life and new awareness from it.

Glennon Doyle talks about this so beautifully in her book, Untamed, “First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising. Pain is magic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming.” 

Try this…

• Think of something that you are holding onto, something you are judging yourself for or something you feel guilty or angry about. Grab a pen and paper and write about the experience and your feelings.
• Take a few deep breaths, focusing on making your exhale longer than your inhale.
• Grab another piece of paper and write a message of compassion and kindness to your past self about this experience. What lessons did you learn from this experience that have been of value to you? 

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Learning to be self-compassionate takes daily discipline. Just like physical fitness, if you want to feel the benefits, you have to put the work in. The longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You have a choice: Would you like to be in a relationship with a critical or a compassionate friend?